A friend named Megan posted the following yesterday, and I'm putting it on here. I'm putting it on here because it's a lesson God has been trying to drill in my head and there's no way I could have said it better. This lesson is ripping my heart out, and I have little to no understanding of it, but I know I need it. It's telling me that my own established timelines and rules mean nothing and that God wants honesty and that He gets that I'm human way better than I do. Megan gave me the courage to admit to God that I miss someone and that it hurts. But, that admittance I was so afraid of brought peace and freedom.
"And it's not just sadness that's been running around rampant within me, waiting to be properly recognized and dealt with and released: there's guilt, too, and doubt, and anger. Strange enough, the anger seems to balloon to 100 times it's original size when confined in such a way. Somewhere along the way I adopted a broken philosophy that dictated how I should feel, when I should feel, how much I should feel, in order to be a "good person." As anyone could easily predict, when I try feverishly to control something, I end up breaking it into pieces or smashing it into oblivion or in some way destroying it's beauty and wholeness. So it is when I deny God his privilege and right in leading me, mind body and spirit.God, my faithful creator, knows how twisted up and compressed I feel inside. He's gently nudging me in the right direction, as he knows anything more would startle me to the ground. Sometimes he nudges me to take little steps: To cry when I see a dance that reminds me in so many indescribable words of the loss in my own life; to feel free and safe to expirence the saddness, to accept the truth that seems so unbearable, and be comforted once again by His peace that surpasses my understanding.I'm thankful to Him, for the people he's put in my life, for the words he speaks to my heart and mind. I'm thankful for the journey. "
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