I have struggled with rejection for much of my life. I’m not saying this as a victim asking for sympathy or trying to be an after-school special, but as someone that knows what rejection feels like and who has been striving to live in love, acceptance, and freedom instead. I spent most of my life trying to be good enough and trying to be a person that others would find easy to continue to love with little effort. This behavior was fairly self-imposed and I’ve long been mad that I am not perfect. At times, I have even been frustrated with God for continuing to show me grace and favor when I’ve messed up (I know – I wasn’t thinking clearly).
Last night, I went to the Christmas service at the main campus of my church. The message focused on Emmanuel meaning God with Us, and what that really means. How Jesus lived on earth for 30 years as one of us before he ever began his ministry. He had a family with problems, he had a job, he most likely lost his father prematurely, etc. He truly went through everything we go through as a human so he could show compassion and love to us. During this message, Isaiah 53:3 (see below) hit me like a ton of bricks, but good bricks :-). It finally sunk in that Jesus was rejected. I’ve heard and known that my whole life, but last night I realized that he was PERFECT and REJECTED, at the same time.
No matter what I do on this earth, there is no way I’m going to be as good as Jesus. We cannot be perfect. We cannot be cherished by everyone that we would like to cherish us. Jesus was perfect and he is love, and even he gets rejected on a daily basis.
If you’re ever wondering what you did wrong, what you could have done differently, realize that Jesus did everything just right and it didn’t matter. He was still rejected. He died for people and they still rejected him. The point is, he’s with you. While you’re sitting there wondering why and how, he’s with you. He truly has been there and it hurt his heart just the same.
Isaiah 53:3 (New International Version)
3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Isaiah 53:3 (The Message)
2-6The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Girls Are Funny Like That
Girls can be thoroughly ridiculous, and we're fully aware. Sometimes we can't seem to help it, the mix of insecurities and hormones just do us in. One of the oddest patterns of girl behavior I've observed is how we behave when we're intimidated by another woman because we think she's cool, and how this often delays fabulous friendships that could have been giving us joy much earlier than we let them. I have many examples, but I think the most appropriate would be me and my beautiful friend that is getting married today (We shall call her ABC).
I have known ABC for years - most likely since 2002 or so. She's a lovely, sweet, petite blond with a warm spirit that cares about making sure people are treated right and well. That combination not only brings all the boys to the yard, but it also can be pretty intimidating to other women. Especially since ABC is also really good at putting outfits together, and at the time I met her I was excited when I put jeans and t-shirts together successfully.
So, for a couple of years we went through that pattern where you really want to speak to someone, but have no clue what to say past "hi", and that is if you get the courage to say that. Sometimes we would speak and it would be great. Other days, we would see each other and not even acknowledge each other. I remember being so excited when I sustained a real conversation with her on one of our church young adult retreats, and someone took a picture, so it was documented!
Over time, she moved and I moved, but we both wound up back here. Then, we found ourselves on the same small beach trip together. And, as we know, friendships are never the same after a beach trip, and it's usually for the better. Turns out, ABC is a lot like me (except she's waaaay more organized). We are both actually pretty shy in our own quirky ways, and are more shy on some days than others. That's what was really going on for those years when we both wanted to be each other's friend but weren't sure how to make that happen.
This story really hit home with me last night at her wedding rehearsal dinner. I was so humbled at the opportunity to be a part of that family moment and to have the chance to honor and serve her. Her friendship has meant so much to me and she has been there for me in hugely important ways when she didn't even know it. I was so thankful that God allowed us the opportunity to get past whatever insecurities and quirks had kept us from being friends earlier.
It also made me wonder what other relationships I'm keeping from myself by being too intimidated to speak.
Congratulations ABC!!!
I have known ABC for years - most likely since 2002 or so. She's a lovely, sweet, petite blond with a warm spirit that cares about making sure people are treated right and well. That combination not only brings all the boys to the yard, but it also can be pretty intimidating to other women. Especially since ABC is also really good at putting outfits together, and at the time I met her I was excited when I put jeans and t-shirts together successfully.
So, for a couple of years we went through that pattern where you really want to speak to someone, but have no clue what to say past "hi", and that is if you get the courage to say that. Sometimes we would speak and it would be great. Other days, we would see each other and not even acknowledge each other. I remember being so excited when I sustained a real conversation with her on one of our church young adult retreats, and someone took a picture, so it was documented!
Over time, she moved and I moved, but we both wound up back here. Then, we found ourselves on the same small beach trip together. And, as we know, friendships are never the same after a beach trip, and it's usually for the better. Turns out, ABC is a lot like me (except she's waaaay more organized). We are both actually pretty shy in our own quirky ways, and are more shy on some days than others. That's what was really going on for those years when we both wanted to be each other's friend but weren't sure how to make that happen.
This story really hit home with me last night at her wedding rehearsal dinner. I was so humbled at the opportunity to be a part of that family moment and to have the chance to honor and serve her. Her friendship has meant so much to me and she has been there for me in hugely important ways when she didn't even know it. I was so thankful that God allowed us the opportunity to get past whatever insecurities and quirks had kept us from being friends earlier.
It also made me wonder what other relationships I'm keeping from myself by being too intimidated to speak.
Congratulations ABC!!!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I'm an Adult
Most of the time, I still feel pretty young, or still not completely grown up. I still automatically assume people that are married or have children or own a house are older than me, and clearly that is not true. Sometimes I still feel like I should be cut some slack for being younger or like I'm not respected for being the kid in the room.
Then, I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see myself as I really look now. Those moments of "Who's that? Oh, it's me. Oh, I must look like an adult to other people." Then I fight the early signs of aging through expensive skincare and realize it's time to color my hair again, and there's a bit more gray in there than the last time. And I can't leave out the growing number of younger people calling me m'am these days.
Then, I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see myself as I really look now. Those moments of "Who's that? Oh, it's me. Oh, I must look like an adult to other people." Then I fight the early signs of aging through expensive skincare and realize it's time to color my hair again, and there's a bit more gray in there than the last time. And I can't leave out the growing number of younger people calling me m'am these days.
I'm thrilled to be alive and thrilled to have a future; but that doesn't mean those glimpses don't throw me for a loop.
The Great Christmas Card Race
First of all, sending a picture of you by yourself is a little awkward. It can be interpretted as lonely, vain or as "Why does she think I want a picture of her?" The single person has to have a really cool picture in order to justify sending out a picture of themselves alone. And, they have to top this picture every year by being more cool, more adventurous, or more Christmasy. This also forces the risk of looking as though you're trying to brag and show off your fun single life to the moms that would really like to get out of the house every now and then.
Which is another thing - Families have kids. Kids grow and look different each year. Unless a single person dies their hair purple or has gastric bypass surgery, he or she pretty much looks the same - so you have to make the picture exciting and worthwhile in some other way. (Married couples without kids can totally get away with the picture card because there is 2 people to look at.)
You can feature a picture of you and your dog or cat each year, but that can be misconstrued as pathetic or weird (which it totally isn't - I mean, have you seen how stinkin' cute my dog is?)
I have had two single-person photo Christmas cards in the past. The first was when I was living and working in DC and it featured a picture of me at the White House press room podium. Totally fit all of the criteria of a cool picture in an exciting time of my life. The second card featured a trio of pictures - including one of me with the Rockefeller Christmas tree, one of the angels beside the Christmas tree, and one of my dog looking super cute in a red bow. This fit the criteria of not just being me, being a cool experience, being Christmasy, and being super cute.
This year, I racked my brain as to what picture to use, and had a great idea but it would have required a photo shoot. Life and Christmas are stressful enough - so while standing in a checkout line and freaking out about what all I had to do that day, I decided to release myself from all the pressure and just send cards. From TJ Maxx. And on sale. But still, so very cute.
Photo of strangers from Snapfish :).
Friday, December 11, 2009
Comfort Zone
My late twenties and early thirties have largely been about getting out of my comfort zone. I thought of this last night when I wore my sequined black dress to church Christmas party. I had bought the dress almost 3 years ago. It was on clearance or I never would have bought it. I needed it for an event and viewed it as more of a costume than an actual wardrobe item, and decided I was ok with spending $14 on it. It had to be a costume, because like I’d ever wear a black sequin dress? It just wasn’t me, and I’d be uncomfortable and pull on it all the time, and surely they didn’t make such things in my size, and people might look at me if I wore that, etc., etc., etc.
The next year, I got a little more adventurous and wore it a friend’s fancy dress birthday dinner. This year, I had forgotten about owning it until roaming town for wardrobe ideas for my various holiday festivities. I saw a similar dress in a boutique and thought “Oh how fabulous!” Then I realized that I basically already owned the dress. Then I realized that I wanted to wear it and I would be totally comfortable wearing it, and just how far I’ve come in 3 years.
The next year, I got a little more adventurous and wore it a friend’s fancy dress birthday dinner. This year, I had forgotten about owning it until roaming town for wardrobe ideas for my various holiday festivities. I saw a similar dress in a boutique and thought “Oh how fabulous!” Then I realized that I basically already owned the dress. Then I realized that I wanted to wear it and I would be totally comfortable wearing it, and just how far I’ve come in 3 years.
So, I wore the dress to my church fancy dress Christmas party last night. And it was perfect for the event and I was comfortable and it shined in the light and I didn’t even care :-).
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Just Breathe
So, one of my biggest struggles is feeling like I generally suck at life. I get deep down that this is generally not true, but I’m plagued by often feeling like I never measure up (If not to other people’s standards, then to my own). I was once described as having an “overly-punishing super-ego”. I’m not exactly sure what that means – but I can see where it sounds just about right. Thankfully, this has been diminished with age, confidence, and God’s ever merciful freedom; but it’s still a fight.
I don’t think I’m the only one out there like this. I think it’s a pretty common plague, particularly among women like me. Therefore, I’m sharing a few mini-revelations I’ve had about this lately. Not to brag, for these aren’t necessarily bragging-rights kind of things – and because I would consider bragging something to punish myself for ;). No, instead, to show in some mundane examples how sometimes we’re not as bad as we think we might be.
I first thought of this a few weeks ago when I was not feeling well and knew I would miss a routine staff meeting. Freaking out about this and its appearance, I emailed my absence along with my report for the meeting. When I got to work 2 hours later, I expected guilt for not being there – instead, I got a lot of “gee whiz – you’re really on top of things”. Seriously not what I was feeling like on the inside.
Yesterday was another similar day. I was very frustrated because 1.) I was to start the day with my monthly check-in meeting with my boss and had no report prepared, and 2.) I was running around because I was turning in a project I really cared about on the day of the deadline, yet again. Then, I found out I was the only person that actually kept my monthly check-in meetings. Later, a much respected professor that I have had a long-standingly tense & critical relationship with said he’d like to use the syllabus I turned in with the project as his new template. Really?
So, see, maybe we’re not always as bad as we think we are when we think we’re really terrible. This post is not to be misconstrued as justification for sin or anything like that, but to encourage you as you try to do your best and glorify God in the day-to-day cogwheels of life.
I don’t think I’m the only one out there like this. I think it’s a pretty common plague, particularly among women like me. Therefore, I’m sharing a few mini-revelations I’ve had about this lately. Not to brag, for these aren’t necessarily bragging-rights kind of things – and because I would consider bragging something to punish myself for ;). No, instead, to show in some mundane examples how sometimes we’re not as bad as we think we might be.
I first thought of this a few weeks ago when I was not feeling well and knew I would miss a routine staff meeting. Freaking out about this and its appearance, I emailed my absence along with my report for the meeting. When I got to work 2 hours later, I expected guilt for not being there – instead, I got a lot of “gee whiz – you’re really on top of things”. Seriously not what I was feeling like on the inside.
Yesterday was another similar day. I was very frustrated because 1.) I was to start the day with my monthly check-in meeting with my boss and had no report prepared, and 2.) I was running around because I was turning in a project I really cared about on the day of the deadline, yet again. Then, I found out I was the only person that actually kept my monthly check-in meetings. Later, a much respected professor that I have had a long-standingly tense & critical relationship with said he’d like to use the syllabus I turned in with the project as his new template. Really?
So, see, maybe we’re not always as bad as we think we are when we think we’re really terrible. This post is not to be misconstrued as justification for sin or anything like that, but to encourage you as you try to do your best and glorify God in the day-to-day cogwheels of life.
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