I spent a lot of time at the airport recently, which meant I spent a lot of quality time with an Oprah magazine. Two of the articles resonated with me, the first being about really loving the people we love as they are, including their bad choices. Or, as I read it, not trying to control their choices. The article refers to it as "detached attachment".
This quote sums it up: "For you, loving without caring might mean staying calm when your sister gets divorced, or your dad starts smoking again, or your husband is laid off." It then says that real love and healing come from people both totally committed to helping the one they love while being able to emotionally detach.
I wasn't sure what to do with this at first. My first reaction was "Is this how Jesus would love?". And then I wondered if this was new age secular humanism because it's printed in Oprah. Then, I remembered my mid-twenties when I first began to realize that I merely thought I was a laid back and non-controlling person. Truthfully, I controlled my family like mad - and I began to realize that if I didn't let go then it really would drive my life into the ground. After that, I tried so hard to help someone make good decisions and live up to their potential that it backfired and I sent that relationship down in flames.
Considering my track record, this loving with not caring may be the ticket. I certainly cannot control any of my family members' mouths, choices, or behaviors (or my friends). However, I realize I need them. I also love them and am blessed to have them. So, I have to find a way to love them without it killing me.
I'm not sure I believe we can clearly separate care and helping from love. At least, I'm not sure women can. But I think there is something here. Something that boils down to the beauty of grace and being loved just as you are.
Thoughts?
Article: I Don't Care by Martha Beck, July 2011 Oprah
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