PRESSURE!

I don't know what is going on, but I have had 3 different conflicts occur over the past 3 days.  Sunday, I snapped & got terse.  Yesterday, I nearly got snappy but someone across the table beat me to it.  This morning, I stood there dumbfounded and didn't say a thing because I didn't want to regret it and because I was going to become a hot mess if I said a thing.

I hate conflict and in the past have done most anything to avoid it.  I wouldn't run a marathon to avoid conflict, because I hate running, but I would consider such options as petting an alligator on the nose.  So, for me to have 3 conflicts in 3 days is rare and overwhelming.  It makes me feel like God might have some super secret plan or like there is some new character development lesson He has for me.  The first lesson I've learned is that I shouldn't talk to people before 10am or before I've had coffee, but I think I already knew that one.

I've realized that I'm in need for a transition in the world of stating my mind and facing conflict.  I'm a grown up now and have had 2 very grown up jobs, one of which was literally in the Capitol of Conflict.  My dad says he thinks I needed my time in DC to get a tough skin and stand up to people.  I agree with that, but these days I'm finding that I have no middle ground.  I put up with a lot and avoid the conflict, then suddenly snap into an attitude of "Good grief, I've had Senators treat me far better than you just did so you think I'm going to put up with your little hissy fit?"  And if I do snap or confront anyone then I become a bumbling, shaking, crying puddle - either while it's taking place or immediately after leaving the room and I'm extremely less productive for at least 24 hours. 

Perhaps this all about self-control and learning how to be an adult.  How to calmly say what needs to be said and nothing more.  How to stand in the authority I've been given in my job and know that my job is not to make everybody happy.  How to respect those placed in authority over me. 

That said, I'm strongly considering skipping my 11:30 meeting because I'm pretty sure there's gonna be conflict.